this few weeks makes me think of myself, am i really that bad a person who doesn't deserve good things? everything that i tried to change became total chaos for me, the thoughts of it made me became sicker by the moment, by the minute, by the seconds,
read some blog a few days ago makes me think, you really don't need a reason to love someone? you don't need to make excuses to call someone that u miss? it's been awhile since i have some relationship with other... sometimes i don't have the guts to tell my frens about whut i felt over the few years, maybe this is my fate, maybe i'm destined to be a better fren than lover, better as a giver than a receiver... the thoughts sometimes had me sunken into dark asylum, i'm struggling to climb up back into the world but there is no "hand" that would offer itself and pull me back to mankind... byfar the worst effect that someone could suffer. deep down inside of me became darker by the moment and i know i'm trying to cover it up with a smile or two, tears started to run down my cheek as i was writing this, not much people can see me cryin coz i'm sad, most people would think of me as a happy go lucky guy that would laugh at some stupid jokes, the "memories" & "suffering" is starting to consuming me, and i don't know when i would do something stupid, but this matter would come someday, hopefully not too soon, maybe sometimes when the pain is unbearable and the grief is too huge to cope with, i would end myself, i don't want myself to suffer too much... i'm a guy that craved attention, hope someone would really care about me, sometimes i have not much to say, not so much conversation to make up, so not much people would understand me, as would care for me,

i wonder if i die now, how many people would shed a tear for me, how many people will come for the funeral? what would people talked about me at my funeral? i tried not to think about it, tried to bury it deep inside me, but it alwiz resurface...

i think i have to end this post here, if i continue in writing, god knows what i'll do to myself later...